so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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