Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
