Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
