I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
