I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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