I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
