I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
