Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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