you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
