You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
