id be glad to
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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