She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
