Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
