I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
