Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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