I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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