i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
