youre lurking in front of me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
