I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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