and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
