So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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