Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
