My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
