Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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