If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
