whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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