Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
