You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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