I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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