Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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