i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
