Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
