i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
