i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
