There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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