But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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