Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
