Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
