I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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