I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
