But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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