My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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