Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
