I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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