yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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