we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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