they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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