I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
