Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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