Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
