All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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