morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
