Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
