Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
